I’m Not Dead!

It has been an eternity since I have written one of my very insightful blog entries. This must be fixed! Especially now that yet another semester has come to an abrupt yet necessary end. I will have relatively quite a lot of time on my hands since I will not take summer school until July. I am however, involved in a professor’s research study & have a part-time job. Amazingly enough I did not sought out any of these opportunities. They were just offered to me & I feel more than bless that this seems to be how many opportunities come into my life. I wish I was that bless in the romance department! Ha…In that department opportunities have come & gone & I sincerely wish I could go out or mess around with any person that shows interest. I am just unable to do that. I don’t know if I am just too prudish, bitter or I feel simply repulsed to pretend to care about somebody when I feel no connection whatsoever. To be young & act careless has never been part of my nature. I do know that I think too much & I do not know whether is better be like such or to live a little. Then again since when dating around has equal really living?

Friendships

Many have come and gone throughout the years. Until recently I have stayed at a place for a long period of time that has allowed me to cultivate at least one friendship for years. When it comes to friends I believe that quantity is not what matters but quality. I love dearly all the people that are currently in my life & unlike last year, I do not feel alone & question whether I am truly liked. I guess it also helps to have a more open-minded mentality & to allow yourself to be & let others be. I used to simply stop talking to somebody when they did something I disliked. I now try to be more flexible because nobody is ever going to be perfect & we should accept others how they are. Flaws & all.

Music

I know that you all know about my creepy infatuation for Brian Molko but lately I have been seeking to branch out in my musical preferences & have succeeded to some degree. I think the problem relies on the fact that once I like an artist or a band I just become so obsess with it that, that is all I can hear until I get sick of all their material. Not very healthy, is it? At any rate, lately, I have been really into Morrissey (lead singer of The Smiths), The Strokes, Manic Street Preachers, Lou Reed, Artic Monkeys & Little Boots. Out of that list I am especially extremely into Morrissey due to the message his songs convey. They are all about *shocker* not having the best luck in the romance department. Examples:

 Last Night I dreamt that Somebody Loved Me

Last night I dreamt

That somebody loved me

No hope, but no harm

Just another false alarm

Last night I felt

real arms around me

No hope, no harm

Just another false alarm

 I have forgiven Jesus

Why did you give me

So much desire?
When there is nowhere I can go
To offload this desire
And why did you give me
So much love
In a loveless world
When there’s no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love
And why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin
Jesus – do you hate me?
Why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin

I obviously listen to extremely cheerful music!

Hair

I have recently changed my hair from this:

To this:

& if you have followed me through my defunct blog or YouTube channel, you know that while I am afraid of mainly everything when it comes to changing my hair…well, I just simply feel compel to reinvent myself in that regard. I stayed with the asymmetrical with the blond chunks for more time than I should had due to how I much I loved the look. I still do & I am still trying to get used to my bob. I believe it will look better once my sides become equal. What led me to change my hair was my trip to Austin for SXSW. Everybody’s look was just so effortless cool & the hair was no exception. So very vintage! I decided to give it a go & look a tad less high maintenance. LOL…ha!

& on that note, my rambles have come to an end. I promise I will try to update this thing more often!

Embracing Singlehood

Oh, life. Life it’s a tricky little beast that makes things exciting & sometimes a bit awkward. You know a couple of months ago I really wanted a relationship. I felt lonely. I felt out of place. I felt like no one liked me & my life was just a big downward spiral of doom & negativity. Suddenly, one day, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself & enjoy the present without this obsession that consumed me & made me one bitter bitch. And so I worked on myself, I gone to therapy, I become (or tried at least) a happier individual. My anxiety is still something I struggle with on a daily basis & though, I have not been depressed in a while, SAD has really interfere with my life lately. I guess we can’t have it all, huh? At any rate, during my low point I kept hearing that things are more likely to occur once you stop obsessing about them. I officially say this is very true & no, don’t get excited or freaked out, I am still on the singlehood boat only *gasp* by choice this time.

When I first started going to the gym, my trainer told me there was another trainer who found me really cute due to my accent. (Right…) He wanted to go to dinner with me & was quite insistent or my trainer at least kept talking about it. I found this all very endearing in an awkward kind of way because he didn’t approach me & two; he wasn’t my type at all. The guy wasn’t ugly or anything but, just really not someone I find attractive. I know I should give people a chance because appearance is not what truly matters; the inside it’s what does… but, fuck that! Everything starts due to how we look on the outside! I may be single but, I am not desperate & if I don’t find somebody attractive (not matter how many people do) I am not going to go out with them just for the fuck of it or due to the experience it may give me. Guys are the same way or worse in that regard. & so yes, I am a shallow person. At least I admit it.

As I was saying, I found the situation very infantile & I just didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want to be mean. On the day I was ‘officially’ supposed to be introduced to him, my trainer asked me if I found him ‘cute’, I had to be truthful, I simply cannot lie. & so I admitted he wasn’t my type which of course led to her saying I didn’t have to meet him if I didn’t want to & that was the end of that. It’s awkward seeing him at the gym because well, I dislike rejecting people but, I feel it’s worse to lead people on. Despite everything, I was flatter somebody found me attractive without my 20 pounds of makeup & everything that goes into my daily appearance. I frankly didn’t think that was possible since I consider myself a hideous creature without all my trannilicious production. It was nice ego boost. It sure was.

A few days ago a really creepy guy approached my dear friend. I would tell that story but, hey, this is my narcissistic extravaganza so I will focus on what involved me. Long story short Creepy Guy had a friend who found me attractive & wanted us to ‘hook up’. (Oh, how I despite that term! It just sounds so wrong.) Once again, he was completely not my type & the fact that he didn’t have the guts to approach me; it was just a complete turn off. My friend made an excuse which really it’s not that far from the truth. She told Creepy Guy, that I am busy with school & that I don’t have time for dating. Sadly, I have them two for not only the class I share with my friend but also in another one. & you know me, I just find it awkward. If I ever get a reality show that should be the name of it, ‘The Awkward Life of Consuelo’. I swear my life is just a big spiral of awkwardness. Joy.

& so the moral of these stories is not to brag about the guys I have infatuated with my ethereal beauty but, the fact that when you least expect it shit happens. (I am so poetic in how I word things.Oh yes, yes, I am.) Last year I would have loved for anybody to show that kind of attention to me & would have probably given them a chance due to my desperation. I feel like change girl! I swear I feel very happy being by myself & if I happen to find somebody in this period great, if I don’t that’s fine too.  There is so many thing life has to offer that we shouldn’t feel like we need to settle for just anybody because ‘oh,noess! I have been single-for-fucking-ever. I am a loser!’ Fuck that. Life isn’t defined by the amount of relationships you had! Yay! I am happy being single & so very pristine. ;D

The most classy place to take pictures at: the restroom. My face expression is just so…ridiculous. I HAD to embarrass myself by posting it.

Suture Up Your Future

Hello, readers! I hope life has been treating you with love & kindness. It has been a couple of weeks since I came back to school & so far I am still adapting to my crazy schedule. I have taken 16 hours before but since this semester the majority of my classes are in the afternoon it makes the load seem a bit heavier.

Besides from school, I am still working out 3 times a week at the gym. I have said this before but it just needs to be restated again: it’s one of the best damn things I have embarked on. It’s amazing to see how your body changes from having no definition to seeing your arms gained some muscle & your legs looking tone. It really does wonders to oneself confidence. When I started working out my body fat percentage was 16.7 & it went down to 16.3. (Body fat percentage is different than BMI, something that I wasn’t aware of.) My body fat was low before & for it to get lower kind of amuse me. I guess it’s the feeling of accomplishment & knowing that you’re doing something good that takes dedication & hard work for no one other than yourself.

I am also still seeing a therapist. For some strange reason I always want to cancel my appointment on the day of or simply not show up. Afterwards I always feel so much better & happier that I forced myself to go. It’s truly cathartic & great for the soul to speak to somebody –no inhibitions- about the things most people don’t know about you. She helps me challenge those negative thoughts that like to surface from time to time & makes me feel less alienated. I know that I am different than others & have difficulty connecting but, that’s no reason to live a life fill  with negativity & depression. We should always challenge our thoughts & try to be happy as much as it’s possible. Otherwise, what’s the point of it all?

I love this song by Queens of the Stone Age & frankly feel like I can relate enormously to the lyrics.

Let’s always look at the bright side of things. Life is too short to be wasted on negativity or feelings of low self worth.No one is flawed & no one deserves to feel like they’re. We’re all we have, let’s love & appreciated ourselves!  We can feel alone even when we’re with a crowd of people so self-love it’s CRUCIAL. I am not stating that I am the master of this art but, I am sure trying to better myself one day at a time & letting the dark persona that torment me for years behind.It brings no joy to live that kind of lifestyle.  Cyber love & kisses to you all.

And I Wish That I Could Be

Today I woke up so high up, only to crash down from whatever high I was in. I don’t know if the old me is trying to resurface, I feel left out, or the stress of coming back to school is finally getting to me. I tried to keep busy by being productive & forcing myself to go grocery shopping. I think my favorite part of going out, isn’t going out on itself but getting ready & changing the appearance of my face with copious amounts of makeup. I don’t believe there is such a thing as too much makeup, only badly applied makeup. I love femininity when it’s mix with a dark & slightly masculine component.

But, I digress…

I bought a bunch of goodies & was quite content with my purchases because if there is another thing I love besides from makeup, reading, & music is good eating.  And so I came home a very happy girl & prepared a feast which consisted of carne en salsa verde con calabacitas y elote and a side of whole grained whole rice. (For you non-Spanish speaking people, meat with green sauce, zucchini & corn.)It was delicious, of course. I am proud that out of the many things I suck at, cooking isn’t one of them.

A couple of weeks ago I ordered on the internet a bottle of rompope, the Mexican version of eggnog. I do not drink but, this beverage is perfect to make desserts with & that it’s exactly what I did today. My BFF Google helped me find an amazing rompope with corn cheesecake recipe. It was fairly simple to do too so I decided being in a funk & all it was the perfect time to do it. While still on the oven I drizzled some more rompope on top of the pie which really gave it a nice color & more flavor.I was very happy how it turned out. It was sweet but not overpowering & I couldn’t really taste the alcohol which was a major plus. (I HATE the taste of alcohol.)

This feast did raise my mood for a few hours, inevitably though I am feeling quite gloomy again. But, it is okay. In life we’re meant to have our ups & downs. I had not felt this way in more than a month & I think the stress of coming back to school & hormones ( I hate you, Mother Nature) are getting to me. Big time.

I am not helping the situation by listening to the slowest, most melodramatic Placebo songs on my iTunes…

Have I mention my utter love for Placebo? I love, LOVE, love them. I want to make sweet passionate love to Brian Molko or have dinner with him & stare at his beauty for as many hours as he would allow me to. If I had enough money, the right connections & he was willing I would so propose that. Aye! The world is an unfair place & I don’t know when this entry became about my weird love for Mr. Molko.

Tomorrow brings a better day full of unexpected things. On that note,here are some pictures of my creations:

Teenage Angst by Placebo ( How can somebody be so perfect & beautiful?)

Cheers,

-Consuelo

Changes Are Taking the Pace I’m Going Through

I can honestly say that these past weeks have been the busiest I have experienced. It is good to experience life instead of wasting the majority of your time on the interwebs. In recent weeks I got a gym membership & a personal trainer. For a person who hated exercise with passion, this is huge. Something inside of me snapped & I come to realize that I needed to feel proud of my body.

When I mentioned to an acquaintance that I really wanted to start exercising her reply was, “why? You are not fat.”  I was astonished to say the least that people think exercising is only meant to be used to lose weight. What about being healthy? What about feeling proud of how toned you’re?

I decided to exercise because I want to look at myself in the mirror & like what I see & not feel ashamed of my legs & arms. I want to actually have some definition & be toned. Plus, the health benefits are simply amazing. I can honestly say that since I started to exercise I have felt happier than I’ve ever felt before. My stress levels have decreased & my periods of gloominess basically disappeared. I can kick myself for not doing this before.

Losing weight shouldn’t be the first thing on people’s minds when the subject of exercise arises. There are many ways to lose weight without the need to be active. 7 years ago I lost 50 pounds by solely changing my diet & controlling my portions. No exercise, no nothing. I have kept the 50 pounds off ever since so I must be doing something right.  My diet consists of eating a lot of organic fruit, vegetables, protein, grains & not denying my sweet tooth but doing it in moderation. Losing weight & wanting to keep it off it’s definitely a life long commitment. You have to have self control & know that you can’t have junk food everyday without it affecting your waistline.

Though for me it was easier to change my diet, losing weight by just doing this it’s not the best idea. If you’re losing a big amount of weight, you have to exercise in order to not have flaccid skin & become toned. 7 years later, I finally decided to commit myself. I reject not doing it before but, it is never late to want to improve ourselves.

I really love that I am finally snapping out being negative & doing things that enrich my life & make me happy. It has taken me 21 years to be in this mental state. It couldn’t have come at a better time.

Special Chocolate Rice Crispy Treats

In true fashion to my laziness, I wanted to make a dessert that was easy to make & that did not require any baking. Inspiration & common sense overcame me & so I decided to make rice crispy treats. Special rice crispy treats! Typically rice crispies are make with marshmallow, rice crispy and butter. Browsing through the grocery store I decided to feed my chocoholic self, hoping the ingredients chosen wouldn’t make the rice crispy too sweet. Thankfully, they didn’t! Instead I accomplished a very addicting dessert that I hope you all enjoy!

Ingredients:

1.3 cups of mini marshmallows

2.2 tablespoons of butter

3.2 cups of Cocoa Pepples

4.A handful of Heath chocolate baking pieces

Preparation:

1.In medium heat add the butter until it melts

2.Add the marshmallows, making sure you constantly stir them while they’re melting.

3.Once the marshmallows are completely melted,  take them off the heat & add the Cocoa Pepples stirring them until they are completely  coated.

4.Add a handful of the Heath chocolate baking pieces and once again stirred them until they are evenly distributed.

5.Butter a pan & spread the mixture evenly. Once it cools, cut into pieces and voila! Delicious goodness for the win!

Warning:

I am not a fan of measurements, so I eyeballed the ingredients & gave an estimated of how much I used. Adjust them depending on how many you’re planning to make (I made a small batch).

Hope you all like my recipe and enjoy!

Cheers,

-Consuelo

Jigsaw Pieces Falling Into Place

Well, this week has been an interesting one to say the least. On Monday I started an internship. It is a non paid internship at a place that mostly deals with people who have autism. The therapies I am going to be involved in are groups of teens & young adults who basically interact with one another through exercises. I didn’t do much but sit back & watch everything unravel.

I am really appreciative of this opportunity because it will look great on my application for grad school & it provides me some much needed experience. It also makes me appreciate my life on a deeper level. Throughout my life I have dealt with feelings of being worthless, stupid & ugly. These people with actual disabilities are working with their struggles to have a semi functional life. They have to work towards learning basic skills I take for granted such as making a phone call, driving, interacting with people, etc. It really opens your eyes to reality around you. I am blessed & I should be appreciative of everything I have. This whole nonsense of low self worth it is something I am working to overcome because it’s frankly pointless & selfish.

My life has been at a stable place for once in a very long time. Sometimes I still worry about the future & whether I will or not accomplish my dreams. Life however, should be taken one day at a time & I constantly remind myself of that. Nothing guarantees us that we will be alive tomorrow but, we can live each day to the fullest. What does living to the fullest imply you may ask? I think it involves doing everything you love & working towards accomplishing your goals. You may not be the smartest person but, life it’s an endurance race not a race to see who can get anywhere the fastest. Everything takes passion & drive to be accomplished, without it goals are simply meaningless. It doesn’t matter how smart you may be, dedication it’s crucial.

My jigsaw pieces will fall into place. I just need to be patience & work hard towards accomplishing my goals.

Cheers,

-Consuelo